I’m not sure what happened to Rudy Giuliani. I never liked him all that much to begin with, but once upon a time he seemed marginally sane. I don’t know if someone fed him after midnight or if the Furby chip in his head is overdue for replacement or what, but the guy’s not all there.
Or maybe this is simply what happens to your brain when you OD on Donald Trump. At some point it turns to blood pudding and starts seeping out of your temples.
Whatever it is, to behold Rudy’s Rudiness these days is to stare into a yawning abyss entirely devoid of light, logic, and the wispiest shred of moral decency. Basically, there’s nothing left but clown noses collapsing into a hyperdense singularity for the rest of eternity.
As a result, this is the kind of rant you get these days on his radio show—a bleating response to Dominion Voting Systems’ $1.3 billion defamation suit against him.
RUDY GIULIANI (HOST): I haven’t been hiding anything. You’re the ones who have been hiding the machines. You won’t show anybody a single machine. I’ve already gotten to see 22, and they look real bad, the 22 that we’ve seen. I’m dying to see the rest so come on, come on guys, you gave us what we’ve been looking for for a long time, and I don’t know how many people you’ve sued and I know why you’re doing it. $1.3 billion — like really, $1.3 billion?
What do you think I am, some kind of jackass? That’s intended to frighten me. You want to frighten me. You want to scare me, like you have some of these companies and stations that have gone ahead and kissed your you-know-what. Because they’re afraid of you. Well I tell you I’m a crazy guy, I really am, I’m just really crazy. So not only haven’t you scared me, you’ve actually given me something that I couldn’t get through the censorship that’s been set up so nobody can see your machines.
“Well I tell you I’m a crazy guy, I really am, I’m just really crazy.” — Rudy Giuliani attempting sarcasm while inadvertently hitting the nail on the head — mere moments before said nail pierces his medulla oblongata.
“What do you think I am, some kind of jackass?”
I’m tempted to say that this lawsuit will be entertaining in the extreme, no matter what the outcome. But then anything Rudy stumbles into post-Trump is bound to be good for some laughs. I expect him to fall down an open manhole any day now, and no doubt he’ll soon launch his long-delayed nut-fiddling tour of North America—assuming he’s not forced to chew those nuts clean off his doddering Nosferatu bod after getting them stuck to a giant glue trap.
So who knows what adventures this scamp will get into next?
This guy is a natural. Sometimes I laugh so hard I cry.” — Bette Midler on author Aldous J. Pennyfarthing, via Twitter. Trump is gone, but the righteous mocking goes on forever. Thanks to Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, Dear F*cking Lunatic: 101 Obscenely Rude Letters to Donald Trump, Dear Pr*sident A**clown and Dear F*cking Moron, you can purge the Trump years from your soul sans the existential dread. Only laughs from here on out. Click those links!